On the Decay of the Art of Lying

i dont fit in to conventional views of what men are supposed to act like.  and i think thats my downfall.

at 25 all you’re supposed to do is think about sex, talk about sex, and brag a aspects of your sexual prowess that are not in fact true.

now dont get me wrong, i think sex is a beautiful thing, i enjoy it, but not with many anonymous partners just for the thrill.

i dont dare speak of this feeling around men of my age.  its not the norm, then again im not the norm.

i want something real.  thats all i want in this world.  i dont want money, or fame.  i would gladly give up every party and night at the bar for one person.

most people search for that person.  ive seen her.  i know who she is.  i fucked it up just like everything else in my life.

u always see in movies, the scene where the girl walks by.  time slows.  music plays.  she flips her hair and at that moment you know who she is.

ive seen it.  ive seen her.  in know who she is.  as the jaded man that i am, i dont believe in these sort of things.  but ive seen it.

that was two years ago.  i can still tell you what she was wearing.  where i was.  who i was with. what i was doing.

i met her twice.  i will most probably never will again.  though i still think about here every day.

i wont try to reach out again i know.  because i still havnt rid of these demons that cause my downfall in the first place.

thats not who i am.  but she will never ever see that.  and thats why i cant sleep at night.

the idea of blogging never crossed my mind.

with the recent onset of less stimulating minds to talk to, ill take this over talking to myself.

i guess in essence the same thing really.